Reality Of This Disease Hit's Hard

All winter Tom sat at the table staring out the window at the GARAGE TO BE.  He wondered every day if it would really happen.  ( I have read that negative thoughts "it's not going to happen..... they won't show up... it won't be ready.... why does everything happen to me..... etc ARE par for the coarse of this disease.)

In March Tom called around for estimates for the supplies it would take to build his "dream garage".   He decided on where he would buy his lumber and we went and paid for it in full even though he knew it would a few months before construction could begin.

He kept telling everybody that him and I could build it ourselves.  There was a day when we could have but not now.  His TWIN BROTHER Teddy offered to put it up.  He so generously put his life aside to come put up the garage for Tom.

Our friend and neighbor did the dirt work ...... People who knew and loved Tom could see him slip sliding away and this was a dramatic attempt to get his engine restarted.

Living with Tom I knew it was the disease doing what it does best and there just isn't anyway in hell to stop it. 

As the project got off the ground Teddy and others are seeing that there is NO WAY to cut through the fog and destruction this horrific disease has caused in his brain.  It isn't depression, it isn't boredom, it isn't lack of resources...... it is the disease.

It's called apathy
noun
 indifference, lack of interest, lack of enthusiasm, lack of concern, unconcern, uninterestedness, unresponsiveness, impassivity, dispassion, lethargy, languor, ennui; rare acedia.

That is just one part of his brain that has deteriorated to the point of no return.

I see and feel the pain others are feeling as they see his obvious losses.  I put it in the same place I put all my pain from the losses I have experienced through all this.  One day a time will come and I will be able to mourn freely of the love (TOM) I had and lost.  I know and trust that God will see me through the after as he is seeing me through the now of one of the most horrific diseases that exist.

Today I rarely see the love I once seen in his eyes for me..... now I see a dead stare as he has been watching me.... It gives you a creepy eerie feeling as the eyes that are watching your every move are cold and dark.  "Why are you staring at me?"  I'll ask.  He looks away but does not answer.  Soon I notice he is doing it again.

Last night was a heart breaking realization to me as it was the 7th and final game for the Stanley Cup....... I pay for the biggest pkg. of Dish Network so Tom can get hockey games and I payed extra for the NHL channel......the last thing he still held an interest in......

Last night he lay on the bed to watch the game and every time I went to check on him he was sleeping?

Hopeless and Helpless is what I feel today.... an over all sadness as I watch his brother put shingles on the roof of the garage he is building for his brother...... his excitement and enthusiasm is gone.

I'm sure he is asking himself why is he doing this.... Tom won't be out here anyway......